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You Ain’t Gotta Lie to Kick It.

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You-aint-gotta-lie-to-Kick-it

“You ain’t gotta lie to kick it, my n-gga/You ain’t gotta try so hard…”
—Kendrick Lamar, You Ain’t Gotta Lie (Momma Said)

Man. Hold Up.

Let your Drunk Auntie–and by ‘your Drunk Auntie,’ I mean me–dissect this for a minute. We say phrases like:

  • Fake it til you make it.
  • People will believe whatever you tell them.
  • Fame is in the follower count.

“You ain’t gotta lie to kick it!”

This was something we used to in junior high. It was our way of gently calling each other out when one of us was boasting a few too many stories. And, it was our a way of proclaiming allegiance to an unpopular opinion about something. Think: My mama buys me Payless shoes. I ain’t gotta lie to kick it!

Now that I’m older, I see it all the time. The demeaning “power quotes” about being a boss that shade employees. Photos of exotic vacations complete with fancy cocktails and luxury jewelry. And of course, it’s all hashtagged with #MyLife #DoingMe #Blessed #Boss.

Seriously, stop this.

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Bored? Bring Ratchet to Work Today

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Mondays should be ‘Bring Your Ratchet to Work’ Day.’ In place of your boring and meager pasta leftovers, how about you take a nice, full portion of ratchet? It’s a lot tastier, and way better than the boring alfredo you’d planned to bring. Here are four ways to bridge your off-hours ratchet with your corporate persona. It’s totes easy, I promise.

Let the Music Move You
The easiest and most non-threatening way to carry your inner ratchet with you to your desk at work is to let music be the Captain Save-a-Ho of your banal work existence. An investment in a pair of Beats by Dre headphones, or any other 80s style over-sized headphones (I like these Hello Kitty ones) will suffice. This allows you to keep a folder equipped with the greatest hits from the Ratchet Royal Trinity: Pastor 2Chainz, Reverend Pimp C and Deacon Juicy J. And when Jim asks why you weren’t signed in to the interoffice IM client all morning, you can respond with, “I been gettin’ money, where the fuck YOU been?” Pastor Chainz has all the answers.

Turn your Cubicle into a Vision Board
Change your screensaver or desktop background to a collage of baddies with waist-length Remy, bodycon dresses and hand tattoos. These images are easily sourced from Tumblr blogs with titles like DiamondCrustedMafiaaaaMamiiiis and BadBitchLushLuxury. You could even go all the way and print the photos out using the good Canon color printer at the end of the hallway. If you’re a straight male, you can take the time to carefully decorate your cubicle with additional photos of gold-plated weed leaf chains and red, black and green bandana print.

Remind Co-Workers with every Email who You Really Are
Update your Outlook signature to Old English font and you’ll need to change your name to something easily recognizable like “Bob ‘Pratek Ya Nek’ Smith.” And to add even more flair and personality underneath your name and title, add a photo of a cerulean ’73 Cutlass Supreme, or SLAB* of choice. This will remind your coworkers that you stay slabbed* up, and don’t shit else count. Let ’em know, mane, let ’em know.

Dance it out. 
If all else fails, and your co-workers prove to be too liberal, you can always try twerkin’ by the water cooler.

*What is a SLAB? 

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