Yesterday, I experienced my first, official NYC sample sale. I forced myself to stick it out and I was determined to leave with something because I’m horrible at shopping. I’d rather spend my money on cheap whiskey and even cheaper strippers. I digress, and I reveal too much. I’d say for someone like me who hates confrontation, I was pretty succesful at my first sample sale, for Diane von Furstenburg, at which I initally wanted to turn around a leave. I was there with my friend who reminded me, “Girl, you need better clothes.” I reluctantly agreed.

So, here are a few tips I’d like to pass on to you should you be a first timer at a sample sale.

Push a few people. Sample sales get messy. They get aggressive. Some of them turn into a bar brawl. As soon as you make it over the threshold and hand over your purse (if they make you do that), beeline to your size. Beeline to the shoes. Beeline to anything sparkly that catches your eye. Grab something and don’t let it go until you’re ready to try it all on.

Demand what you want. So you see someone take their hand off something you were eyeing (but, let’s be truthful: you didn’t notice it until you saw how cute it looked on her) at said sample sale. Ask her, “hey, you done with that?” if she says yes, immediately grab that shit up and scurry to a corner with your finds like a subway rat. Guard your finds with you life. Give people the crazy eyes, as in “Hey, Dandelion!” They don’t want none of that.

Don’t be afraid to show your behind. Look, if you want to know if something fits you, don’t bother going into the fitting room. The fitting rooms are a nightmare at sample sales. Pull that dress over your head and ask the woman next to you what she thinks. Do what you have to do in order to figure out how bad you need that item in your closet. Just know that she might be lying to you in order to get you to leave the dress/shirt/shoes behind. Be extra careful when it comes to shoes and bags. These hoes ain’t loyal. (Also, keep it quick. Some sales workers get angry that you’re trying on clothes in the aisles.)

Know when it’s time to go. This isn’t a cafe. This is a test of your speed shopping skill–your ability to get in and out like a teenage boy after hearing his girlfriend’s parents unlock the front door. Seriously, the longer you linger, the more you’re going to second guess your finds. You’ll also just be in the way. Spend the money before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it. Just do it. Take your credit card out, nice and easy. So simple, right?

So those are my top four tips for surviving your first sample sale. I’ve still got lots to learn, but I’m getting there. Pretty soon, I’ll be cruising the sample sales the day before the general public because I’m a VIP. One day. :)

Cheers!